I fancy a bit of a change in direction from the usual bollocks and will therefore be writing a short review of Ormskirk.
Ormskirk brands itself as an historic market town, loved by the elderly and lovers of tat alike. I prefer my own tag-line; Ormskirk - where the old come to die. The amount of elderly people in this town is second to none, they potter about aimlessly, milling and loitering, they have nothing to do and have been tricked into thinking Ormskirk is home to a lively bustling community full of like minded old codgers looking for the final thrill before popping their cobweb encrusted cloggs.
6 months now have I endured Ormskirk, and in those 6 months I have seen barely a soul who can claim to be middle aged. The needle swings wildly from pensioner to uni student, with seemingly no middle ground. This provides a wonderful mix of shuffling shopping bags and sniffling uni lags.
The main high street (for main read only) slicing through the heart of the town is one residents are surely proud of. Retaile outlets such as B ock us er (Blockbuster) leave one wondering if there is also a shop tucked away in some, thankfully, long-forgotten Ormskirk alleyway called LBT selling all the videos they steal from the
B ock us er returns bin. I hope so!
The town boast a huge array of ba... oh wait, no it doesn't. There is 3 bars in Ormskirk of varying quality, ranging from shit to errr, shit, granted it's a small town so I suppose it's off the hook in this respect.
A problem I have with the locals, Ormskirkians I believe, is their apparent lack of identity, screaming out to be included as Scouse, the L39ers fall somewhat short.
My major problem however is its approximity to hellhole of a town, the pie-eating, rugby-playing, JJB-wearing, hair gelling, jabroni bashing dump that is Wigan.
In a nothing town I suppose it is rather apt that on certain days revelers are greeted with the heady, pungent aroma of freshly laid manure as they step off the train into the overcrowded, overcared, overoldpersoned blight on the map that is Ormskirk; Historic market town.
Just as a quick side note, I like the uni, just not the town. Poor showing Ormskirk, better look next time.
What an angry day, my first blog in ages and I take a new direction and heap scorn on my university home!
Monday 28 February 2011
Wednesday 2 February 2011
What the future will be like.
Ahhhhh The Future, a wondrous place for one and all. Probably. What will it be like? Who could possibly say. Until now nobody, however, that is all about to change as we watch the shroud of mystery surrounding the future become engulfed in the fire of knowledge!
I am about to impart on you the wisdom of literally minutes of detailed thinking about what The future will be like, 50 years precisely.
So, 50 years from now is the future a brave new world or one of despair and shit. Well I can now tell you that thanks to a Live Aid style rap collaboration from heavyweights of the genre LL Cool J, Ja Rule and DJ Jazzy Jeff World War III was averted and all 3 were covered in liquid gold and made into an extravagant statue placed at the top of Mt. Everest. Maybe. Anyway, that load of bollocks meant that the world was saved for whole nother day so we can get on with how it's gonna be fruity and such.
One of the great mysteries regarding the future is what will music be like. I believe that in honour of the fallen rap heroes we'll endure a period of about 20 years when all music bar old school rap and duets with Ashanti are banned. This will also be a time of parachute pants and large baggy shirts made popular by 90's black people. After the roaring 20's and 30's people will soon tire of the lyrical stylings of such rap luminaries as Funky D and his oh so treacherous 3 and music then progresses, soon after this thanks to new technology invented Marvin Gaye and Tami Tarrell are returned from the dead and there is no music apart from those two. Naturally everybody is happy forever because as we all know, It Takes Two, Baby.
After spending his teenage years teaching his friends everything he knows about "The Birds", Michael Myers realises he has a gift of epic proportions and must share it with everybody, thus becoming a real life Hitch. Soon enough, Britains men all get the girl of their dreams and Senior Michael opens up his own school in order to train up a new batch of slightly-less-good-than-him replica Hitches. These Hitches, along with the original, travel the world schooling men everywhere and pretty soon everyone gets what they want when they want. Every man in the world is happy, fat men pull Cameron Diaz and ugly women are bred out of existence due to selective breeding, men however come to grow incredibly fat an complacent as they know that thanks to the growing influence of Myers they no longer have to make an effort for women. This whole saga has a terrible effect on the world leading many to liken Mr. Myers to a Scouse Hitler, probably due to the fact that he hasn't had a shave since 2018. Either that or he told me to say he became a real life bitch. Fab (clicks fingers) U (clicks fingers) Lous. Miaoooooooooooooooooooow.
The star of Louis Spence will, unsurprisingly continue to rise higher and higher. By 2029 Louis has won 12 Oscars for his troubles and it has become law that he must appear for a minimum of 10 minutes in every single film ever made. Existing films are re-edited to include Louis, often in a cat suit, in various scenes. My personal favourite was when he appeared in the Titanic, lurking behind the two heroes in the front of the boat scene.
A major thing regarding the future is how the current generation will be as old people. Will we all wake up one day and suddenly have a penchant for cardigans and flat caps? Will women with once illustriously fine heads of hair sit down one day and think "You know what? I've always wanted a perm" The answer is of course yes. Old people are not supposed to be stylish, although we do still all go out clubbing and junk, silver foxes on the prowl. Only difference is that in the future young women are more attracted to older men which is where Michael "Hitch" Myers comes in.
Also in the future everyone eats GM food and cows give birth to steaks and pigs shit out sausages that taste like bacon. Its a wonderful world. On the downside though genetic modification makes plants that eat cats so there's no cats in the future. Cats are gay anyway so it's ok.
Thus ends my awful ramble but don't despair, I have a few more blogworthy ideas coming up. They'll be shit too I cant wait.
I am about to impart on you the wisdom of literally minutes of detailed thinking about what The future will be like, 50 years precisely.
So, 50 years from now is the future a brave new world or one of despair and shit. Well I can now tell you that thanks to a Live Aid style rap collaboration from heavyweights of the genre LL Cool J, Ja Rule and DJ Jazzy Jeff World War III was averted and all 3 were covered in liquid gold and made into an extravagant statue placed at the top of Mt. Everest. Maybe. Anyway, that load of bollocks meant that the world was saved for whole nother day so we can get on with how it's gonna be fruity and such.
One of the great mysteries regarding the future is what will music be like. I believe that in honour of the fallen rap heroes we'll endure a period of about 20 years when all music bar old school rap and duets with Ashanti are banned. This will also be a time of parachute pants and large baggy shirts made popular by 90's black people. After the roaring 20's and 30's people will soon tire of the lyrical stylings of such rap luminaries as Funky D and his oh so treacherous 3 and music then progresses, soon after this thanks to new technology invented Marvin Gaye and Tami Tarrell are returned from the dead and there is no music apart from those two. Naturally everybody is happy forever because as we all know, It Takes Two, Baby.
After spending his teenage years teaching his friends everything he knows about "The Birds", Michael Myers realises he has a gift of epic proportions and must share it with everybody, thus becoming a real life Hitch. Soon enough, Britains men all get the girl of their dreams and Senior Michael opens up his own school in order to train up a new batch of slightly-less-good-than-him replica Hitches. These Hitches, along with the original, travel the world schooling men everywhere and pretty soon everyone gets what they want when they want. Every man in the world is happy, fat men pull Cameron Diaz and ugly women are bred out of existence due to selective breeding, men however come to grow incredibly fat an complacent as they know that thanks to the growing influence of Myers they no longer have to make an effort for women. This whole saga has a terrible effect on the world leading many to liken Mr. Myers to a Scouse Hitler, probably due to the fact that he hasn't had a shave since 2018. Either that or he told me to say he became a real life bitch. Fab (clicks fingers) U (clicks fingers) Lous. Miaoooooooooooooooooooow.
The star of Louis Spence will, unsurprisingly continue to rise higher and higher. By 2029 Louis has won 12 Oscars for his troubles and it has become law that he must appear for a minimum of 10 minutes in every single film ever made. Existing films are re-edited to include Louis, often in a cat suit, in various scenes. My personal favourite was when he appeared in the Titanic, lurking behind the two heroes in the front of the boat scene.
A major thing regarding the future is how the current generation will be as old people. Will we all wake up one day and suddenly have a penchant for cardigans and flat caps? Will women with once illustriously fine heads of hair sit down one day and think "You know what? I've always wanted a perm" The answer is of course yes. Old people are not supposed to be stylish, although we do still all go out clubbing and junk, silver foxes on the prowl. Only difference is that in the future young women are more attracted to older men which is where Michael "Hitch" Myers comes in.
Also in the future everyone eats GM food and cows give birth to steaks and pigs shit out sausages that taste like bacon. Its a wonderful world. On the downside though genetic modification makes plants that eat cats so there's no cats in the future. Cats are gay anyway so it's ok.
Thus ends my awful ramble but don't despair, I have a few more blogworthy ideas coming up. They'll be shit too I cant wait.
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