Time after time people come up to me proclaiming "Shaun, I just can't bear it anymore, when I have myself a night out I always get the feeling that my behaviour just isn't as unscrupulous as it could be. Please teach me oh mighty one". So I have decided to impart a few pearls of wisdom, drop some knowledge on multiple asses and school you in the art of behaving yourself on a night out as well as one or two tips and tricks to set you on your way. You lucky, lucky people you.
As we all know, the best nights out always start in the bathroom, so that's where the guide begins.
Shower, shave, shit. It's all about the three S's. But it isn't really, remember guys, girls love nothing more than a shockingly bad beard, gets those legs a-quivering every time without fail. The worse the beard the hotter the girl. Scientific fact.
So, now the formalities are out of the way we've hit the town drinks are flowing and a song comes on that you think is jolly good. What do you do? Do you dance? Can you dance? Of course you can't, so don't simple as.
Even if you think you're a budding Jacko please spare us. If you really must dance obey the golden rule. Do not move your feet. A shake of the hips is as mobile as you should get, the key to "dancing" (moving) just enough so as not to seem like a tit is all in the hands. Wave them about a little bit and, dare I say it, thrust them in the air like you just don't care. Party animal, much?
When you are in a pub you must never, ever, ever, EVER use the jukebox. No matter how much you think the entire contents of whatever late night alcoholic beverage dispensation establishment you've rocked up at will enjoy the new track by James Blunt they most assuredly will not! You'd be best advised to grin and bear the sickly sweet pop music and generic hip hop tracks. if, by some miracle you do happen to stumble across a bar that actually has taste in music, I'm talking nothing but Motown, baby, then please refrain from informing your friends that you know and love every song that comes on. They really don't care.
Barmaids, 9 times out of 10, do not want to be lecherously chatted up by the clientele. They've heard it all before, you could be legendary ladies man Peter Andre for all they care. You're wasting your time and you're wasting theirs.
Similar to dance, however just about important enough to warrant its own paragraph, is the art of "doing the robot". No matter how could you think your version of the ever popular dance is, there will always be someone who can do it much better than you. If you really can't help yourself then at least wait for the strobe lights to come on, strobe lights make everything cool and even the most feeble of robots can seem impressive under such illumination.
Enough of the negativity for now. Wearing a nice suit to town is a sure way to have a great night. It gives you an air of being possibly rich, making you attractive to the female women and to the men you come across you could possibly be James Bond or shit. An added bonus to wearing a suit is that you can spend all night ordering cocktails in elaborate glasses with olives in and fancy liqueurs. You can get drunk in styleeeeeee
There's probably a lot more stuff I could whack on the end of here but it's getting jolly late and I haven't done a blog for ages so I'm saving the good stuff for a rainy day.
Have a nice time y'all!!!
Sunday, 23 January 2011
Friday, 14 January 2011
I fear this is gonna be rather a short one. I'm in a bit of a creative slump blogwise. After a mere four posts, what I believed was a vast reservoir of creative talent has turned out to be no more than a mug of creative juices.
Some advice I picked up over the years.
If you're a man, never wear a shirt showing too much chest, there will always be that one knob who comes up to you and asks who you're trying to impress with that. On many occasions I've been said knob. In stark contrast however if you're the opposite of a man, women I believe they're called, ignore this advice however do be aware of the same knob coming up and asking the same question.
Do not under any circumstance think that your facial hair looks good. It most certainly does not. You naughty boys.
Drinking coffee instantly makes you more sofistikated, nothing like walking into a Starbucks and requesting a skinny mocha latte with extra whipped cream. Yum yum, are you friends with Stephen Fry? If you prefer to go for the more manly option however you will get a medium black coffee. No farting around with the Italian names. Medium black coffee mate, sugar and milk? You must be having a laugh, do I look like I have a pair of busoms? Milk my arse!!! If I wanted sugar I'd have some sweeties
Owning a broadsheet newspaper makes you look smart. FACT. It doesn't matter which one it is, you don't even have to read it, just look at the pictures of Hilary Clinton falling up plane stairs or of David Cameron shaking hands with an unknown foreign dignitary with a hilarious name.
Reading Swedish crime novels and subsequently acquiring a taste for them which leads to a foray into the local Waterstones to look for more can only end in disaster. Italian Shoes, a book actually named for shoes is actually about shoes, don't make the same mistake I did and assume it's a thrilling crime novel. It most certainly is not. An old man living on an island, finds a daughter in her 30's he never knew he had and then she makes him a pair of shoes. In Italy...
Thank you and goodnight CHESTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Some advice I picked up over the years.
If you're a man, never wear a shirt showing too much chest, there will always be that one knob who comes up to you and asks who you're trying to impress with that. On many occasions I've been said knob. In stark contrast however if you're the opposite of a man, women I believe they're called, ignore this advice however do be aware of the same knob coming up and asking the same question.
Do not under any circumstance think that your facial hair looks good. It most certainly does not. You naughty boys.
Drinking coffee instantly makes you more sofistikated, nothing like walking into a Starbucks and requesting a skinny mocha latte with extra whipped cream. Yum yum, are you friends with Stephen Fry? If you prefer to go for the more manly option however you will get a medium black coffee. No farting around with the Italian names. Medium black coffee mate, sugar and milk? You must be having a laugh, do I look like I have a pair of busoms? Milk my arse!!! If I wanted sugar I'd have some sweeties
Owning a broadsheet newspaper makes you look smart. FACT. It doesn't matter which one it is, you don't even have to read it, just look at the pictures of Hilary Clinton falling up plane stairs or of David Cameron shaking hands with an unknown foreign dignitary with a hilarious name.
Reading Swedish crime novels and subsequently acquiring a taste for them which leads to a foray into the local Waterstones to look for more can only end in disaster. Italian Shoes, a book actually named for shoes is actually about shoes, don't make the same mistake I did and assume it's a thrilling crime novel. It most certainly is not. An old man living on an island, finds a daughter in her 30's he never knew he had and then she makes him a pair of shoes. In Italy...
Thank you and goodnight CHESTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Tuesday, 11 January 2011
5ive things I love to hate.
Tommy, this one's for you.
1. People who comment on Youtube videos.
Not that there is anything particularly wrong with commenting on a video on Youtube, what gets my goat is when people have a ridiculous opinion, often on music videos, often due to their loose grasp of the concept of music. My favourite, or should that be one that got me the most mad and therefore made everyone else the most happy when I jumped up and down like a tit over it, was a comment that I happened across when viewing the Ellie Goulding cover of the timeless Elton John hit Your Song. There was a raging intellectual debate being carried out upon my arrival on said video, is Ms Gouldings version better than everyone's favourite pussy dodger Elton or is it SUPER WAY BETTER. The answer seemed clear to me, despite the oh so compelling argument presented by the hormonal fan girls that "Ellie sings this with so much more emotion than that old man, Edward whatsisname" ms Gouldings version is in fact, wait for it, shite! Not a patch on old Elton. I suppose it could be argued that this verison is much better, after all it was on an advert for crying out loud! On the telebox!! Whatever next.
2. Reviews, professional or otherwise.
A review is never going to satisfy all of the people all of the time, this is just a fact of life but would it kill somebody to write a review tailored to my specific tastes? Please? Just once? Oh well, I suppose that's not likely to ever happen so until the day I become Grand Pope of the Internet and Other Less Important Things and everyone comes to me for blessing before publishing then I will have to keep a lid on my bubbling pool of hate for all things review. My distaste of the review stems from the simple fact that no two are ever the same, they are, if you will, the snowflake of the literary world. For instance, you may have one film reviewer proclaiming that Star Wars: Episode VIII Jaa Jaa Binks Comes Back and Talks Funny Again heralds the second coming of fallen directing star George Lucas, whilst another review, simultaneously published will label it a steaming pile of cinematic tripe. See what I mean? And that's without even setting foot into the minefield that is the independent holiday review, how one person can argue that a hotels location is terrible in contrast to the views of 300 others who stayed in the same hotel and mysteriously found it on the cusp of an active nightlife is beyond me.
3. People who only watch artsy films, generally in Romanian with no subtitles.
Lets face it, yeah? If you sit around all day on the edge of your seat at waste of money action blockbusters with enough entertainment value to melt your eyeballs out of your head, then grow them back and melt them all over again then you are seriously fucked up, man! You haven't lived until you've seen countless obscure (read shit) french films shot 'exclusively' in black and white. What is wrong with enjoying an action film? One liners, hot women, cheesy action heroes, what more could you ask for? And whilst I'm on the subject of cinema I cannot abide people who get swept up in the hype of certain films. Social Network, a good film but not one I actually walked out afterwards thinking wow. That. Was. Incredible. People got swept up in how it was a representation of the Facebook obsessed world that we live in, they enjoyed more what the film stood for than the actual film itself. Give me Bruce Willis in a vest any day of the week, Yippee Kay Ay Mother Fucker.
4. People who are constantly having their minds blown.
No, you're not. Your mind was not fucked, it was not blown and nor was it pulled out through your ear and forced back in via your anus. It remained firmly in your head without even the slightest hint of a breeze.
5. F.R.I.E.N.D.S
Get over it everyone, it was funny 5 years ago. Rachel got off the plane, none of the female characters ever had anything funny to say and Chandler was often sarcastic. You know the cast, you know the plot, you know the script. Word. For. Painstaking. Word. It is now time for Friends to die a quiet, dignified death, to slip away into the shadows, not to occupy countless hours of our airtime that could be used to show quality programming such as Airport, Wisfeswap USA and the always entertaining Holiday, featuring two elderly women rambling on through country and script. Remember, Friends will always be there for you, just hidden away out of view, like an old school chum you really should visit more often, providing you with warm memories but you don't really have any desire to rekindle the bond you once shared.
If any of the 5 people reading this would like to get together sometime and discuss more things I don't like feel free to ask me next time you see me about. It'll be swell. HOWWWWWWZAAAAAAAAAAAAT!
1. People who comment on Youtube videos.
Not that there is anything particularly wrong with commenting on a video on Youtube, what gets my goat is when people have a ridiculous opinion, often on music videos, often due to their loose grasp of the concept of music. My favourite, or should that be one that got me the most mad and therefore made everyone else the most happy when I jumped up and down like a tit over it, was a comment that I happened across when viewing the Ellie Goulding cover of the timeless Elton John hit Your Song. There was a raging intellectual debate being carried out upon my arrival on said video, is Ms Gouldings version better than everyone's favourite pussy dodger Elton or is it SUPER WAY BETTER. The answer seemed clear to me, despite the oh so compelling argument presented by the hormonal fan girls that "Ellie sings this with so much more emotion than that old man, Edward whatsisname" ms Gouldings version is in fact, wait for it, shite! Not a patch on old Elton. I suppose it could be argued that this verison is much better, after all it was on an advert for crying out loud! On the telebox!! Whatever next.
2. Reviews, professional or otherwise.
A review is never going to satisfy all of the people all of the time, this is just a fact of life but would it kill somebody to write a review tailored to my specific tastes? Please? Just once? Oh well, I suppose that's not likely to ever happen so until the day I become Grand Pope of the Internet and Other Less Important Things and everyone comes to me for blessing before publishing then I will have to keep a lid on my bubbling pool of hate for all things review. My distaste of the review stems from the simple fact that no two are ever the same, they are, if you will, the snowflake of the literary world. For instance, you may have one film reviewer proclaiming that Star Wars: Episode VIII Jaa Jaa Binks Comes Back and Talks Funny Again heralds the second coming of fallen directing star George Lucas, whilst another review, simultaneously published will label it a steaming pile of cinematic tripe. See what I mean? And that's without even setting foot into the minefield that is the independent holiday review, how one person can argue that a hotels location is terrible in contrast to the views of 300 others who stayed in the same hotel and mysteriously found it on the cusp of an active nightlife is beyond me.
3. People who only watch artsy films, generally in Romanian with no subtitles.
Lets face it, yeah? If you sit around all day on the edge of your seat at waste of money action blockbusters with enough entertainment value to melt your eyeballs out of your head, then grow them back and melt them all over again then you are seriously fucked up, man! You haven't lived until you've seen countless obscure (read shit) french films shot 'exclusively' in black and white. What is wrong with enjoying an action film? One liners, hot women, cheesy action heroes, what more could you ask for? And whilst I'm on the subject of cinema I cannot abide people who get swept up in the hype of certain films. Social Network, a good film but not one I actually walked out afterwards thinking wow. That. Was. Incredible. People got swept up in how it was a representation of the Facebook obsessed world that we live in, they enjoyed more what the film stood for than the actual film itself. Give me Bruce Willis in a vest any day of the week, Yippee Kay Ay Mother Fucker.
4. People who are constantly having their minds blown.
No, you're not. Your mind was not fucked, it was not blown and nor was it pulled out through your ear and forced back in via your anus. It remained firmly in your head without even the slightest hint of a breeze.
5. F.R.I.E.N.D.S
Get over it everyone, it was funny 5 years ago. Rachel got off the plane, none of the female characters ever had anything funny to say and Chandler was often sarcastic. You know the cast, you know the plot, you know the script. Word. For. Painstaking. Word. It is now time for Friends to die a quiet, dignified death, to slip away into the shadows, not to occupy countless hours of our airtime that could be used to show quality programming such as Airport, Wisfeswap USA and the always entertaining Holiday, featuring two elderly women rambling on through country and script. Remember, Friends will always be there for you, just hidden away out of view, like an old school chum you really should visit more often, providing you with warm memories but you don't really have any desire to rekindle the bond you once shared.
If any of the 5 people reading this would like to get together sometime and discuss more things I don't like feel free to ask me next time you see me about. It'll be swell. HOWWWWWWZAAAAAAAAAAAAT!
Saturday, 8 January 2011
How to pull women; the foolproof guide...
DO, under every circumstance, assume that if eye contact with a girl is maintained for more than 5 seconds that she is obviously attracted to you and would very much like to see what it tastes like inside your mouth.
If possible DO become a trained hypnotherapist. This can work both ways as only today I saw the worlds most orange woman strolling out of a hypnotherapy shop (?) with what can best be described as a human vegetable attached to her arm, surely this gentleman had been hypnotized. So it stand to reason that if you can become a hypnotist you can have any woman you desire, when combined with the 5 seconds plus eye contact of course. Failing that you can always use your newly acquired powers of persuasion to steal the life savings of pensioners. Win win!
Another important weapon in the arsenal of the lonely is to go to a library and sit there with a rather large book with an important title, something like "Advanced Astrophysics for the Well-Endowed Millionaire" and throw covetous glances at any female within the vicinity, flashing the front cover of the book at her. It never fails.
Never, under any circumstance must you talk to a woman. You are boring, women don't like you, it's just a fact of life, you have no charisma. You must wait for the woman to talk to you, until you open that big mouth of yours you could well be James Bond, International Man of Mystery for all she knows. Keeping that allure going is of paramount importance.
From my deliberative research I stumbled across this little tit-bit, women love compliments, just throw them at her, all day every day, "I love your shins" or the always flattering "Wow, your eyebrows really remind me of that beautiful caterpillar is saw the other day" if these compliments, and others like them, fail to work I suggest you are saying them wrong.
Finally, and possibly most importantly of all, as the great philosopher Gok Wan once said "Remember girls, it's all about the confidence".
If this guide fails to win you the girls of your dreams then errrrr I'll change this to the Michael Myers guide to pulling women and all hate and blame should be aimed at him instead. Remember folks, winner winner chicken dinner!!!
Thursday, 6 January 2011
Some inventions I'd like to make if I knew how to!
1. A radio that has all the music in it already.
It's a bit like the website lastfm only it's in your own house and it already has the music in it. You can put your iPod on it and it knows what songs you like and then gets other ones like it. You pay a one off fee for this then you get all the music for free from then on.
2. A pen that doesn't need ink.
Just like a normal pen only it has no ink and you can write on ANYTHING YOU LIKE. This is due to special technology, yet to be invented, that sends a message to a computer on which the pen is registered and transforms your scribblings into a Microsoft word document.
3. Gloves that stay warm even if you've been playing in the snow for ages!
These gloves have a special lining of rubber in between 2 thin glove shaped pieces of material, this lining allows for the wearer to frolic gaily in the snow, building snow hunks at his leisure without the ever-present problem of getting cold hands.
Please don't steal my brilliant ideas and if it turns out they've already been invented and I unwittingly stole them then I'm claiming the ideas as my intellectual property as I have a dated blog to show when I came up with them. That'll hold up in court...
It's a bit like the website lastfm only it's in your own house and it already has the music in it. You can put your iPod on it and it knows what songs you like and then gets other ones like it. You pay a one off fee for this then you get all the music for free from then on.
2. A pen that doesn't need ink.
Just like a normal pen only it has no ink and you can write on ANYTHING YOU LIKE. This is due to special technology, yet to be invented, that sends a message to a computer on which the pen is registered and transforms your scribblings into a Microsoft word document.
3. Gloves that stay warm even if you've been playing in the snow for ages!
These gloves have a special lining of rubber in between 2 thin glove shaped pieces of material, this lining allows for the wearer to frolic gaily in the snow, building snow hunks at his leisure without the ever-present problem of getting cold hands.
Please don't steal my brilliant ideas and if it turns out they've already been invented and I unwittingly stole them then I'm claiming the ideas as my intellectual property as I have a dated blog to show when I came up with them. That'll hold up in court...
Wednesday, 5 January 2011
Nobody wants to read this!
The Blog, invented by Joe Bloggs in 1952, is a literary device to which I am somewhat unaccustomed. I have been driving to blogging by my innate desire to incorporate a number of woeful attempts at humour into my university essays, this is, apparently FROWNED UPON. Excuse me for wanting to brighten up the day of even the most downtrodden university tutor.
Therefore, I will now be writing a bi-occasional blog whenever i get the urge to, I have no idea what about or even if it will be interesting, most likely it'll be shit though, so for the 10 people (if I'm lucky) who ever read this, I look forward to us having a brilliant time together over the coming months...
Therefore, I will now be writing a bi-occasional blog whenever i get the urge to, I have no idea what about or even if it will be interesting, most likely it'll be shit though, so for the 10 people (if I'm lucky) who ever read this, I look forward to us having a brilliant time together over the coming months...
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