Time after time people come up to me proclaiming "Shaun, I just can't bear it anymore, when I have myself a night out I always get the feeling that my behaviour just isn't as unscrupulous as it could be. Please teach me oh mighty one". So I have decided to impart a few pearls of wisdom, drop some knowledge on multiple asses and school you in the art of behaving yourself on a night out as well as one or two tips and tricks to set you on your way. You lucky, lucky people you.
As we all know, the best nights out always start in the bathroom, so that's where the guide begins.
Shower, shave, shit. It's all about the three S's. But it isn't really, remember guys, girls love nothing more than a shockingly bad beard, gets those legs a-quivering every time without fail. The worse the beard the hotter the girl. Scientific fact.
So, now the formalities are out of the way we've hit the town drinks are flowing and a song comes on that you think is jolly good. What do you do? Do you dance? Can you dance? Of course you can't, so don't simple as.
Even if you think you're a budding Jacko please spare us. If you really must dance obey the golden rule. Do not move your feet. A shake of the hips is as mobile as you should get, the key to "dancing" (moving) just enough so as not to seem like a tit is all in the hands. Wave them about a little bit and, dare I say it, thrust them in the air like you just don't care. Party animal, much?
When you are in a pub you must never, ever, ever, EVER use the jukebox. No matter how much you think the entire contents of whatever late night alcoholic beverage dispensation establishment you've rocked up at will enjoy the new track by James Blunt they most assuredly will not! You'd be best advised to grin and bear the sickly sweet pop music and generic hip hop tracks. if, by some miracle you do happen to stumble across a bar that actually has taste in music, I'm talking nothing but Motown, baby, then please refrain from informing your friends that you know and love every song that comes on. They really don't care.
Barmaids, 9 times out of 10, do not want to be lecherously chatted up by the clientele. They've heard it all before, you could be legendary ladies man Peter Andre for all they care. You're wasting your time and you're wasting theirs.
Similar to dance, however just about important enough to warrant its own paragraph, is the art of "doing the robot". No matter how could you think your version of the ever popular dance is, there will always be someone who can do it much better than you. If you really can't help yourself then at least wait for the strobe lights to come on, strobe lights make everything cool and even the most feeble of robots can seem impressive under such illumination.
Enough of the negativity for now. Wearing a nice suit to town is a sure way to have a great night. It gives you an air of being possibly rich, making you attractive to the female women and to the men you come across you could possibly be James Bond or shit. An added bonus to wearing a suit is that you can spend all night ordering cocktails in elaborate glasses with olives in and fancy liqueurs. You can get drunk in styleeeeeee
There's probably a lot more stuff I could whack on the end of here but it's getting jolly late and I haven't done a blog for ages so I'm saving the good stuff for a rainy day.
Have a nice time y'all!!!
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