Tommy, this one's for you.
1. People who comment on Youtube videos.
Not that there is anything particularly wrong with commenting on a video on Youtube, what gets my goat is when people have a ridiculous opinion, often on music videos, often due to their loose grasp of the concept of music. My favourite, or should that be one that got me the most mad and therefore made everyone else the most happy when I jumped up and down like a tit over it, was a comment that I happened across when viewing the Ellie Goulding cover of the timeless Elton John hit Your Song. There was a raging intellectual debate being carried out upon my arrival on said video, is Ms Gouldings version better than everyone's favourite pussy dodger Elton or is it SUPER WAY BETTER. The answer seemed clear to me, despite the oh so compelling argument presented by the hormonal fan girls that "Ellie sings this with so much more emotion than that old man, Edward whatsisname" ms Gouldings version is in fact, wait for it, shite! Not a patch on old Elton. I suppose it could be argued that this verison is much better, after all it was on an advert for crying out loud! On the telebox!! Whatever next.
2. Reviews, professional or otherwise.
A review is never going to satisfy all of the people all of the time, this is just a fact of life but would it kill somebody to write a review tailored to my specific tastes? Please? Just once? Oh well, I suppose that's not likely to ever happen so until the day I become Grand Pope of the Internet and Other Less Important Things and everyone comes to me for blessing before publishing then I will have to keep a lid on my bubbling pool of hate for all things review. My distaste of the review stems from the simple fact that no two are ever the same, they are, if you will, the snowflake of the literary world. For instance, you may have one film reviewer proclaiming that Star Wars: Episode VIII Jaa Jaa Binks Comes Back and Talks Funny Again heralds the second coming of fallen directing star George Lucas, whilst another review, simultaneously published will label it a steaming pile of cinematic tripe. See what I mean? And that's without even setting foot into the minefield that is the independent holiday review, how one person can argue that a hotels location is terrible in contrast to the views of 300 others who stayed in the same hotel and mysteriously found it on the cusp of an active nightlife is beyond me.
3. People who only watch artsy films, generally in Romanian with no subtitles.
Lets face it, yeah? If you sit around all day on the edge of your seat at waste of money action blockbusters with enough entertainment value to melt your eyeballs out of your head, then grow them back and melt them all over again then you are seriously fucked up, man! You haven't lived until you've seen countless obscure (read shit) french films shot 'exclusively' in black and white. What is wrong with enjoying an action film? One liners, hot women, cheesy action heroes, what more could you ask for? And whilst I'm on the subject of cinema I cannot abide people who get swept up in the hype of certain films. Social Network, a good film but not one I actually walked out afterwards thinking wow. That. Was. Incredible. People got swept up in how it was a representation of the Facebook obsessed world that we live in, they enjoyed more what the film stood for than the actual film itself. Give me Bruce Willis in a vest any day of the week, Yippee Kay Ay Mother Fucker.
4. People who are constantly having their minds blown.
No, you're not. Your mind was not fucked, it was not blown and nor was it pulled out through your ear and forced back in via your anus. It remained firmly in your head without even the slightest hint of a breeze.
5. F.R.I.E.N.D.S
Get over it everyone, it was funny 5 years ago. Rachel got off the plane, none of the female characters ever had anything funny to say and Chandler was often sarcastic. You know the cast, you know the plot, you know the script. Word. For. Painstaking. Word. It is now time for Friends to die a quiet, dignified death, to slip away into the shadows, not to occupy countless hours of our airtime that could be used to show quality programming such as Airport, Wisfeswap USA and the always entertaining Holiday, featuring two elderly women rambling on through country and script. Remember, Friends will always be there for you, just hidden away out of view, like an old school chum you really should visit more often, providing you with warm memories but you don't really have any desire to rekindle the bond you once shared.
If any of the 5 people reading this would like to get together sometime and discuss more things I don't like feel free to ask me next time you see me about. It'll be swell. HOWWWWWWZAAAAAAAAAAAAT!
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