How to pull women; the foolproof guide...

This, is a errrrrr well errrr. Lets start again, women, we all know and love them but oftentimes it turns out that we find our male selves rather lacking in the confidence when it comes to attracting a mate of the fairer sex. I am about to break down all the walls of intra-gender communication and let you all in on some of the best kept secrets out there. I have scoured the web for hours, researching all about women, finding out what they like and what they don't. Now I feel compelled to pass on the information I have collated to my hordes of followers on what is undoubtedly on its way to becoming the best blog in the world. I will now fill you in on the do's and dont's of acquiring a real life female!!

DO, under every circumstance, assume that if eye contact with a girl is maintained for more than 5 seconds that she is obviously attracted to you and would very much like to see what it tastes like inside your mouth.

If possible DO become a trained hypnotherapist. This can work both ways as only today I saw the worlds most orange woman strolling out of a hypnotherapy shop (?) with what can best be described as a human vegetable attached to her arm, surely this gentleman had been hypnotized. So it stand to reason that if you can become a hypnotist you can have any woman you desire, when combined with the 5 seconds plus eye contact of course. Failing that you can always use your newly acquired powers of persuasion to steal the life savings of pensioners. Win win!

Another important weapon in the arsenal of the lonely is to go to a library and sit there with a rather large book with an important title, something like "Advanced Astrophysics for the Well-Endowed Millionaire" and throw covetous glances at any female within the vicinity, flashing the front cover of the book at her. It never fails.

Never, under any circumstance must you talk to a woman. You are boring, women don't like you, it's just a fact of life, you have no charisma. You must wait for the woman to talk to you, until you open that big mouth of yours you could well be James Bond, International Man of Mystery for all she knows. Keeping that allure going is of paramount importance.

From my deliberative research I stumbled across this little tit-bit, women love compliments, just throw them at her, all day every day, "I love your shins" or the always flattering "Wow, your eyebrows really remind me of that beautiful caterpillar is saw the other day" if these compliments, and others like them, fail to work I suggest you are saying them wrong.

Finally, and possibly most importantly of all, as the great philosopher Gok Wan once said "Remember girls, it's all about the confidence".

If this guide fails to win you the girls of your dreams then errrrr I'll change this to the Michael Myers guide to pulling women and all hate and blame should be aimed at him instead. Remember folks, winner winner chicken dinner!!!